Orpheus

Hey Conrad! Your first prize critique.

Beneath six feet of cold earth, encased in a well-crafted box, she slept; never wake to the mortal world again.

Should be "never to wake to the mortal world again." Not sure I have much love for the semi-colon here, as a beside. It looks uncomfortable in that sentence. You could easily have a comma instead, and it would remain grammatically sound.

Cold and snow he had felt without her warmth; the grey and black had not been broken by the light of her smile.

A little cheesy. People still feel cold and see the darkness even with love. I think you can do better than this. It's too cliché.

Usually the roses he brought here were red, crimson blossoms like fully-budded blood.

Here should probably be "her". Crimson blossoms like fully-budded blood is not a great phrase. It just sounds awful if you read it out loud. Fully-budded blood also doesn't really make sense; you've confused the metaphor I think there.

But today the flower shop, through some management oversight, had been all out of red roses. In fact, they had been out of all roses save for this one. It was blue, a blue as deep as an eternal sea. He had brought it despite its deviation from the norm; it felt wrong to come here empty-handed. And besides, blue had always been her favorite color.

Several points. The second sentence of this paragraph starts badly; "in fact" is out of place. I think you could edit this into something much better. "Blue as deeps as an eternal sea" made me cringe. And then you switch from that cheesy description to "deviation from the norm" which sounds like a mathematical proposal. And then the best insight we have is seemingly added as an aside at the end.

Also: if blue was her favourite colour, why has he been bringing red roses all this time?

A tear traced its way down his cheek and he brushed it away. He tried to say something, anything, and everything; yet found that grief left him rather speechless. His loss of her, of the happy moments he had spent with her, of her warm body lying beside him as they slept, this all seemed to be beyond words. No paragraph, no sentence, no mere fragment of letters could express it.

I feel bad for not enjoying this like the other reviewers have, but I hate this description. I am getting nothing personal about this man's grief. It's so boring and classic grief. He cries, he buys flowers, he feels loss. I know nothing about either character yet except that one is dead and likes the colour blue and one is alive and misses her. It's not enough.

It's boring and so unoriginal. "Nothing can express it" and "beyond words" are so over-used I feel like they're almost my family. Use something else. Better language. New phrases. Original metaphors.

Otherwise, I'm almost skimming.

So after a few silent moments, he turned and began to walk away. He sang a song as he did so, a soft melody of lamentation. It did not rhyme, nor did it have a chorus. In fact, he did not even fully know what he sang. Yet he sang on.

Surely "a few silent moments" is in fact one continuous silent moment? There's nothing to differentiate them.

And I don't get the song reference. I'm not fully up on the mythos like other reviewers, so maybe it has some significance. But it's badly written. Why is he singing? What is he singing? It just seems so throw away and pointless.

Before him they seemed to be grey stoics. As he left them behind though, their grave aura dissolved into a sad mist.

I apologise for so mercilessly ripping your descriptive skills. But I don't like it, somehow. I think you can do better. I don't like the last sentence. A sad mist doesn't cut it for me.

He did not pay mind to this though

He paid no mind.

His thoughts were elsewhere, on what he could not have again.

Misuse of the comma. This needs to be rephrased. Try: "Instead his thoughts drifted to what he could no longer have."

And now, it seemed as though she had taken a part of him with her.

Another misuse of the comma. No need for it here.

Another tear fell from his eyes. Why could he not be whole again? If he could not be with her, at least he wanted to be himself. But no deity came forward to answer his plea. So he went on, singing as he went.

Ick, Conrad. Icky. Not good prose. I think you need to personalise this with particular memories, to show us what he misses (and not just about her smile or warmth, that's too general) to make the reader care for him. Right now, I think he's a strange guy that seems to sing in his grief. I can't get to grips with the character.

He just seems like he has nothing to him.

He passed by a tree; the time of the season had left it a bare, leafless shadow of its usual self. Drops of mist fell off of its branches, like his tears fell from his eyes.

I see where you're going with the metaphor. But it's not the best.


Anyway, I could go on. But I think you get the idea. So here's my suggestions for this story to be revitalised and remade as something viable and strong:

Characterisation

Neither of the two characters in the story have anything to them. You need to sort this out. Otherwise I really couldn't care less for the man, and I have no knowledge of Persephone, apart from what I can grasp from mythology. It leaves the piece with a hollow feeling. It's too general, too basic, too ordinary.

Description

Your description is repetitive and boring. I hate to be harsh but it has to be said. It evokes nothing from me, in part because of the lack of characterisation. But you also write poor metaphors and your sentences drip with clichés. It means that the story suffers from a sort of drab, familiar feeling, like a rainy day. I understand there is sadness, but it is not expressed in a taut, sharp style; it is dripped out in the same old grey way, like it always has been.

Get original! Work on interesting ideas and throw them in there. Or your prose will remain ordinary.

Plot

The plot doesn't really get going. There's not a lot there till the end, with the twist, and it suffers because of it. If I got a penny every time I had read a story with someone standing over a grave or returning from a funeral (I've written at least TWO of these stories myself) then I'd be a rich, rich man.

Unless you make it an interesting plot, it is immediately an overused plot device that strikes me as laziness.

The weather tying into the character's mood is also so overused I didn't like it. Maybe because I also started a story in the same way (and now hate that opening) I disliked yours too. But there's something too ordinary about it.


I realise this isn't the most happy review ever (there are plenty of those above) but I do strive for honesty. Hope some of my points can help you with a revision if you ever do such a thing.

Good luck, Conrad! I know you can do better.


EDIT: After doing a little research, I realise the necessity of the music in the plot. However, I stand by my comments on the story as a whole and how it was written.

Hiya Con! I'm finally here to deliver your requested critique. (Sorry about the long wait)

Since I want to keep my thoughts nice and organized, I'll just copy the questions over and answer them. ^_^

1. How was the opening of this piece? Do you feel that anything about it could be improved?

I liked the opening here. It sets the setting beautifully and gives a sad, misty mood. Very well chosen!

2. How was the shifting from one idea to the next? Do you feel that it was choppy and could use improvement, or did it flow smoothly?

The changing of ideas was very smooth. One of the top strength in this work!

3. How are the sentences throughout the work? Do they flow naturally, or do they sound fragmented?

I found some of your sentences here a bit choppy. For some examples:

So after a few silent moments, he turned and began to walk away.

The "so" here is bugging me. The line above indicated a pause, which is what the "so" does in this case. Even though it shows that he's thinking about it, that word still desrupts the sentence in my opinion.

As he left them behind though, their grave aura dissolved into a sad mist.

He did not pay mind to this though.

"Though" is a bit repetitive here. I'd delete the first one.

No one was there, and the feelings faded away. [...] It had evaporated away,

"Away" is a bit repetitive here.

4. Was the language the author chose to write in easy to understand?

There were some words in here I had a hard time understanding, even when they were in a setting. Like,

fully-budded blood.

"Budded" is confusing me here. Not quiet sure what you mean. Although that could be because I tend to fail at understanding new words by spelling alone...

Before him they seemed to be grey stoics.

No real idea what "stoics" means here.

You don't want to send people running to dictionaries, Con.

5. Were the events or ideas in this story organized effectively?

After talking to June on that little question...

Things are nicely organized here. No event happens before it should, and you have good cause and effect. Nice work!

*Is skipping question 6 because it's something for people to do in their heads, and question 7 because it has to do with spelling*

8. How was the grammar?

Here is where things were a bit iffy. Your tenses were off here:

all his thought was bent towards the patch of ground before him.

"Were bent"

never wake to the mortal world again.

"Never to wake" or "never awake" sounds better.

This was only a momentary shade of memory his grief had animated. Nothing more.

These lines are present tense in a past tense story. It makes them feel like thoughts, but they aren't italasized. Since this is very distant third person, you'll probably be better off reworking these lines so they aren't present tense. ^_^

9. How was the punctuation?

And now I shall nit-pick your use of semicolons.

He tried to say something, anything, and everything; yet found that grief left him rather speechless.

With the "yet" there, you don't need a semicolon. Just a comma.

He thought of what lay beyond that gate; the girl that was her mother’s sole legacy, playing at her grandmother’s house while he was here.

You could use a colon instead of a semicolon here, since you're introducing something.

The warmth and the scent returned; and he stopped again.

Coma instead of a semicolon again.

and had been replaced by something else entirely; the rest of himself.

Colon instead of a semicolon again.

10. What do you think can be improved about this piece?

Get the tenses fixed up, mostly. It makes things hard to read. The mood, word-choice and organization was good. ^_^

Something I just realized as I was reviewing: The shifting from sadness to comfort isn't that well emphesized, when everything else is.

11. Was there any information in this that should be cut, added, or reorganized?

Nothing to say here. Your story was well organized, and the information was clearly presented.

12. How was the closing of this piece? Did it come too soon, or was it much awaited?

It wasn't so much that the ending was awaited, but I find the very last line to be weak and just tacked on. I know the myth of Persephone, but I can't see the need for the last line. Why should we really care about the steel-company?

Character questions/answers

*Must skip three out-of four questions because of the vague characters (Which I loved)*

2. Do you think that the character's expression (how the character felt and reacted to situations) was effectively displayed?

Very much so. The distant third person manes you don't have much room for character reactions, but what we did see was really well done. The weather/setting helped too. ^_^

Overall questions/answers-

1. How was the focus (main idea, main event) in this story? Did it waver too much, or was it on track throughout?

I loved the focus of this. It was such a beautiful meaning, and a beautiful story.

2. How was the plot in this work? Was it appropriate for the setting, or did it need improvement?

Plot was amazing. The setting almost was the plot, and you've done both really well.

3. How did this work make you feel?

I really liked the idea, and the plot was just so beautiful. I can not say a single bad thing about your plot.

4. Give the author your thoughts on this work in your review/critique.

That goes without saying I'd do that.

So, thoughts. I very much liked this work. There were some grammar and tense issues, but they only mildly detract from the overall story. The description, characters and general ideas are just amazing.

I really liked the vagueness of the whole thing. It's so easy to insert any guy for "he" and any girl for "she." The same can be said of the daughter. But methinks you planned that. ^_^ (Nice work!)

All of the description here was amazing. I loved the way the weather tied into the MC's mood and the supernatural elements. I'd spend a bit more time with the weather and how it changes when the comforting presence is around him, since the weather is everywhere else to dictate some mood.

Well, I do believe that is everything. I might look at this review tomorrow and re-critique it, just in case I've missed something with this different organization. (I tried to do my normal style and it failed), so, you might see me again soon. If not, well, this was a very good work and the only thing I found off were the tenses and punctuation.

Nice work!

~Rosey

Connie-

I seriously need to read more stuff of yours. Seriously I do.

This was breathtaking and I am jealous. For me, when I write something short it doesn't seem done and then I feel like I need to write more for it but I find I can't but this from beginning to end it was just beautiful. I like the ending especially. I wasn't expecting it and my favorite part was this:

A tear traced its way down his cheek and he brushed it away. He tried to say something, anything, and everything; yet found that grief left him rather speechless. His loss of her, of the happy moments he had spent with her, of her warm body lying beside him as they slept, this all seemed to be beyond words. No paragraph, no sentence, no mere fragment of letters could express it.

My breath literally caught when I read this. This entire piece is filled with emotion and another reason why I love this is that Orpheus and Eurydice is one of my favorite Greek myths.

Keep writing!

~Angel

Hello again, Connie Bonnie! ^_^

Grammar and First Impressions

Beneath six feet of cold earth, encased in a well-crafted box, she slept; never wake to the mortal world again.

That's some odd tenses? First, I'd change the semi to a comma or possibly a dash. Beneath six feet of cold earth, she slept, never to visit the mortal world again. Taking out that one part, the sentence would look somewhat like this; therefore, a comma would be placed.

His loss of her, of the happy moments he had spent with her, of her warm body lying beside him as they slept, [colon or dash instead] this all seemed to be beyond words.

Beyond words in what way? The fact that he lost them? Or how wonderful they were?

Yet he sang on.

At this point, I've come to the conclusion you're using yet too much. xD

Drops of mist fell off of its branches, [no comma] like his tears fell from his eyes.

It's a simile, and similes don't have commas. ^_^

It was warmth, [no comma] and a soft scent of jasmine, [no comma] like the perfume that he had given to her once.

He thought of what lay beyond that gate; [colon or dash instead] the girl that was her mother’s sole legacy, playing at her grandmother’s house while he was here.

All around him the warmth, the scent, and the sound increased, [no comma] until he was enveloped in all of them.

It had evaporated away, [no comma] and had been replaced by something else entirely; [colon instead] the rest of himself.

The grey clouds opened up, <== Comma!] and he smiled, for now the sun shone down in that place.

[Overall

Not much grammar I could comment on. Only comma/punctuation nitpicks. xD There weren't any juicy sentences like in the Viva story, but after you told me the secret behind this piece, this is another one of your best pieces. (And really, I just needed to refresh my memory. I've seriously heard that story before. xD)

Well, grammatically, I'd like to say you didn't start so many sentences with he, which is fantastic! However, you did start a lot of sentences with and, and you used yet quite a bit. xD See if you can't do anything about that.

Skipping grammar...

The tombstones stood in the grey mist like shades upon an otherworldly field.

Fantastic intro! Already, you're foreshadowing or hinting the readers of what's to come. Beautiful. Why didn't I catch that? xD

I think the blue rose was really cool; however, as her favorite color, maybe it should be more of a "harvest" color like green or brown or orange because of Persephone, goddess of the harvest. Just a suggestion. I like the blue rose, though. I didn't know roses could be blue... xD

I think the biggest problem besides the grammar that I can find (if any problems) is that we dwell too much on the memories and not enough on the scene itself. Um... It's snowy. Is he cold? Or maybe he was cold until that strange presence behind him warmed him up? I felt like I was swimming in his diary more than what was happening, and the plot was more in the present than the past. Yes, the guy loved her, but tell us more about what's happening now. ^^

The punctuation/grammar and the.. other problem (lol) are the two main points. This is an excellent story! Again, kudos to you! You're on a roll and making a reputation here!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey Conrad

I read this yesterday, but didn't have time to review it. I did however give you one of those lovely stars though. So, anyway, let's drop in with a little review. In fact, I feel like taking this pretty much line by line.

Conrad Rice wrote:The tombstones stood in the grey mist like shades upon an otherworldly field.

This is a lovely opening line. It's intriguing, descriptive, and most importantly sets a strong tone for the whole piece.

He paid no mind to them; all his thought was bent towards the patch of ground before him.

Not bad, but perhaps this would look better: "He paid them no heed; all of his though was bent towards the small area of ground that lay in front of him."

Beneath six feet of cold earth, encased in a well-crafted box, she slept; never wake to the mortal world again.

You've succeeded in creating quite a hazy picture here. If you wanted to enhance it a bit, try altering it as follows: "Beneath the six feet of cold earth, she lay encased in a box; she would never wake into the mortal world again." If however you had the hazy picture in mind by all means keep it like you have it, only that last little "wake" should be "awake".

This was the fourth winter he had endured without her. Cold and snow he had felt without her warmth; the grey and black had not been broken by the light of her smile.

After such a stunning introduction, you switch from showing to telling. You could successfully show us this beautifully, such as, "His fourth winter alone felt cold, almost bitter on his skin. He longed for the warmth that had dissolved with her passing.

He knelt down and placed the rose before her marker.

Very nice.

Usually the roses he brought here were red, crimson blossoms like fully-budded blood. But today the flower shop, through some management oversight, had been all out of red roses.

This passage has compromised the tone of your piece, and has,I feel, squandered the impressive effect that your piece has on me. I'd nix it.

In fact, they had been out of all roses save for this one. It was blue, a blue as deep as an eternal sea. He had brought it despite its deviation from the norm; it felt wrong to come here empty-handed. And besides, blue had always been her favorite color.

This is nice, but if you do decide to do as I suggest and nix the first part, you will want to begin this: "He knelt down and placed the rose before her marker. The only rose that he could find. It was blue... etc."

A tear traced its way down his cheek and he brushed it away. He tried to say something, anything, and everything; yet found that grief left him rather speechless.

Beautiful, but I'd kill the "and" before the "everything".

His loss of her, of the happy moments he had spent with her, of her warm body lying beside him as they slept, this all seemed to be beyond words.

Try "His loss of her; his loss of the happy moments he had spent with her; his loss of her warm body beside his as they slept. [s]this all seemed to be beyond words. [/s] No paragraph, no sentence, no mere fragment of letters could express it."

So after a few silent moments, he turned and began to walk away. He sang a song as he did so, a soft melody of lamentation. It did not rhyme, nor did it have a chorus. In fact, he did not even fully know what he sang. Yet he sang on.

A beautiful paragraph!

Through the headstones he passed. Before him they seemed to be grey stoics.

Perhaps, "He passed through the grey stoics that were the headstones."

As he left them behind though, their grave aura dissolved into a sad mist.

There should be a comma after "behind". I also don't like your phrase "grave aura", but that's up to you.

He did not pay mind to this though.

You used the same phrase above. Was this intended?

His thoughts were elsewhere, on what he could not have again.

Allow us to guess where his thoughts were. I think that most of us will figure this out, especially after reading the next bit.

At their wedding, he had pledged himself to her. And now, it seemed as though she had taken a part of him with her. Another tear fell from his eyes. Why could he not be whole again? If he could not be with her, at least he wanted to be himself. But no deity came forward to answer his plea. So he went on, singing as he went.

Once again, beautiful!

He passed by a tree; the time of the season had left it a bare, leafless shadow of its usual self.

Perhaps, "He passed by a tree. The season had left it bare; a leafless shadow of itself.

Drops of mist fell off of its branches, like his tears fell from his eyes.

Try, "Like the tears that fell from his eyes."

A vague something seemed to hover behind him as he walked along. It was warmth, and a soft scent of jasmine, like the perfume that he had given to her once. For a moment he paused in the stillness, only to move on again. This was only a momentary shade of memory his grief had animated. Nothing more.

An excellent paragraph.

He reached the main cobblestone path of the cemetery.

Maybe, "cobblestoned"?

The gate was not far away. He thought of what lay beyond that gate; the girl that was her mother’s sole legacy, playing at her grandmother’s house while he was here.

Try, "the girl who was her mother's sole legacy, who played at her grandmothers house."

She would want to know where he had gone to, what he had been doing. He didn’t know if he could tell her. She looked too much like her mother.

Beautiful!

The warmth and the scent returned; and he stopped again. Now there was the faintest sound in his ear, a sound he could not quite make out. All around him the warmth, the scent, and the sound increased, until he was enveloped in all of them. A kiss was planted on his cheek.

Even more beautiful!

“Go on,” whispered her voice in his ear.

Hell, you are on a roll here. This is just superb.

He could stand still no longer and turned around. No one was there, and the feelings faded away. And, yet, something was gone. His grief. It had evaporated away, and had been replaced by something else entirely; the rest of himself. He was whole again.

This is so beautiful, I can barely describe it.

[/quote]The song of lamentation stopped.[/quote]
Perhaps, "ceased".

The grey clouds opened up and he smiled, for now the sun shone down in that place. Happiness began to buoy him up as he passed beneath the steel engraved sign.

Persephone Fields
Financed by Tartar US Steel company

The end is pretty unique, but you do have a wonderful story here. You have truly managed to portray a beautiful, wonderful, and yet terrible picture. I know why I gave you that gold star. This piece is just superb!

Have a good one!

Hey Conrad. I heard through yrclever that this was supposed to be good and I thought I would come check it out.

The tombstones stood in the grey mist like shades upon an otherworldly field.

I really like this particular opening. It doesn’t give away to much but it give you a setting and sets the overall tone of the piece. I only want to comment on the way you spell “grey.” I don’t know if its because your not from the U.S. but I don’t think that “The Tower of Justice” was taken into consideration when the constitution was written. So, if the “e” spelling of gray is common where your from, then its ok.

never wake to the mortal world again.

This particular portion sounds funny. I think it would be better if it was written more like “never to walk in the mortal world again.” “Wake” just sounds…well…weird.

Cold and snow he had felt without her warmth;

Again, this sentence just has a very awkward, funny way of reading. Something like “The cold and snow had been suffered with her warmth;”

He tried to say something, anything, and everything; yet found that grief left him rather speechless.

Okay, I’m witnessing a pattern of semicolons. They aren’t always necessary though they are a very rare sight in most writing and the lack of their use is rather saddening. However, if I’m counting right, this is your third semicolon sense the start of this piece and so many are not necessary.

I also wanted to comment on your word structure again. The way you separated and if fact worded both halves of the sentences sound so…odd. It has a creative understandable aspect but at the same time, it’s hard to find much organization in your words here. I would recommend combining the two sentences into something like: “He tried to say something, anything, and everything at once, but all he found was that his grief had left him rather speechless.” Even this way, if you want to stick to your semicolon appreciation, you can just remove the “but” and change the comma to a semicolon.

He sang a song as he did so, a soft melody of lamentation. It did not rhyme, nor did it have a chorus. In fact, he did not even fully know what he sang. Yet he sang on.

I like this portion. It gives the reader some insight into the way your character acts and feels.

Persephone Fields
Financed by Tartar US Steel company

I love the play of words here. It’s extremely creative and very cute. The only part I want to comment on is that “company” should be capitalized.



Otherwise, I couldn’t find much else wrong. I only want to remind you to remember the main things I pointed out to you above. Mostly, the only mistakes I found were in your sentence structure and word flow. Read things out loud and remember to pause wherever you have commas, periods, and semicolons. See how if feels when you say the words in relation to how they seem on paper.

Still, this is very cute and is a great way of showing the emotions of grief and despair when what looses somebody that they love.

STAR!!